I've spent a lot of time away....whether that's spiritually, mentally -I can't really say for certain. I do know that every year about this time (right after another year of my life passes), I go through this sort of re-evaluation process of the past year's events. And...I've had some good moments -I've had some really truly low ones too. I've experienced handfuls upon handfuls of new things, which some were and are terrifying, others were embraced easily and unfortunately (typically) without thanksgiving.
I think I've realized somethings about myself... and I've changed alot due to those revelations. Sometimes I've looked in the mirror and avoidantly looked away in fear of what I might see. Other times, I've dared to look and been satisfied and at peace. Now...at this very moment...I look and I wonder. I'm not even sure what I'm exactly wondering -and maybe its because I have this heaviness of uncertainty. I spend each day carrying this (sometimes) painful curiosity and weaving through daily routines trying not to drop the burden. Trying not to let others see what it is or that it even exists...I'd rather they pass quickly, consumed by their own routines while possibly carrying thir own concealed burdens.
"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which Im dying are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take,
When people run in circles,
It's a very very mad world, mad world...." (g.jules)
The truth is I'm hurt and I'm broken. I don't understand life or how I got here. I feel a sense of anger for how life hasn't been what I'd hoped for. And I know -my head understands-who I should be, what I should do. There's a checklist of everything I've learned and put forth for myself to be...but it's a torn and crumpled, graying sheet of paper. My eyes have looked at it so many times, that my heart reads the words. But I'm "the ghost of a girl, that I wanted to be the most. I'm the shell of a girl, that I used to be" (c.perri). I'm trying to get back, I tell myself. I'm not sure to what, since I look behind me and feel like a complete fool. I feel used and taken advantage of. My values and hopeless romanticism have been taken and shattered. I'm trying to learn how to walk again but I got hopelessly lost in the forrest. All the while I'm trying to piece back together my map, which was scattered in the wind.
I'm literally digging out of a hole...and I think sometimes I see flashes of light. But most times I feel like I've reached a standstill...where a wall of rock holds me back, created entirely of my anger and confusion. I know with a certainty that is unshakeable that there are steps to take to dig through it and formulas on how to get out, and cliches which we throw out because we're all uncertain sometimes but decide to rest in the absence of our transclucence. We know how to dance around awkward moments and silence which just might bring us into a *real* intimacy.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Friday, August 27, 2010
Seasons
This past week has been...tough. The transition between a new season in life can be easy, but lately they've been more like whiplash.
And honestly, it's been easier to be angry with God and spend a lot of time asking "why?".
I'm grateful for a God that loves me enough to "hear my cries". He knows my hurts and my longings... even though He already knows them. He's the greatest shoulder to cry on, because He never stops me mid-sentence, and He knows exactly how to comfort me. And sometimes that comfort has to be witheld for a little while for the sake of my own growth. Nevertheless, He just knows what I need, before I know.
He knows when to say "stop, enough." and when to let me make my mistakes, only to grow stronger.
And honestly, it's been easier to be angry with God and spend a lot of time asking "why?".
I'm grateful for a God that loves me enough to "hear my cries". He knows my hurts and my longings... even though He already knows them. He's the greatest shoulder to cry on, because He never stops me mid-sentence, and He knows exactly how to comfort me. And sometimes that comfort has to be witheld for a little while for the sake of my own growth. Nevertheless, He just knows what I need, before I know.
He knows when to say "stop, enough." and when to let me make my mistakes, only to grow stronger.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
The Fire Hose
Looking back over the past year, I've grown a lot. God has placed some significant things in my life this year and it hasn't been easy. But I've learned a lot about my reaction to when things go bad. At the bottom of things, I guess it's not even about discovering how my reaction should be, but rather, understanding who God is and how big His love is!
There's that saying about being in love and "seeing through rose colored glasses" but I think I've seen rose, sunset purple, nectarine orange...you name it; the craziest of colors! God's used so many people in my life this year to show me attributes of His love for me. I've seen His protection, His pure love, His peace, His awesome power, His heart when it comes to discipline, His love for the poor and sick.
Some days it's a lot like trying to take a shower with a fire hose. That whole struggling for air, trying to catch a grip onto what's coming your way, feeling. But when I start feeling this way, I remember that I don't have to "get" it all...not today at least. I just have to respond. I have to love like He calls me to.
"I will give others the joy I have, and God will in turn give me more joy" -Crazy Love
There's that saying about being in love and "seeing through rose colored glasses" but I think I've seen rose, sunset purple, nectarine orange...you name it; the craziest of colors! God's used so many people in my life this year to show me attributes of His love for me. I've seen His protection, His pure love, His peace, His awesome power, His heart when it comes to discipline, His love for the poor and sick.
Some days it's a lot like trying to take a shower with a fire hose. That whole struggling for air, trying to catch a grip onto what's coming your way, feeling. But when I start feeling this way, I remember that I don't have to "get" it all...not today at least. I just have to respond. I have to love like He calls me to.
"I will give others the joy I have, and God will in turn give me more joy" -Crazy Love
Sunday, August 1, 2010
4 A.M. Singleness
Who wakes up in the middle of the night, thinking about singleness as a Christian woman, and how we're supposed to be in this season according to God's will for our lives? Apparently, I do. ha!
I'm reading a book right now called 12 Extraordinary Women (of the Bible). The first chapter is about the first woman on earth: Eve. Her story is very intriguing to me, because she paved the way for who we are supposed to be as women. Through her God gives us insight into our identity as females. In Genesis 2, God created woman. Why? He created animals to be with man, but "still there was no helper just right for him" (Ch 2, vs 20). So God created Adam's counterpart. What's interesting about Eve is that she was God's only creation made from another creation. Genesis explains that Adam, the animals, and creation itself, were created out of things like: nothing at all, and out of the creation which was before it (i.e. dust). But Eve, got something different, something special: Adam's own rib.
Matthew Henry wrote, "The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved." I love that illustration, because of the symbolism of Eve's creation. Women were created to be a helper. Many look at the word "helper" and think, "why can't Eve be the one in focus here, and have her own help?" Instead we should think, "the HELPER! God created me with specific desires and emotions and even physiologically different, to be compassionate, hospitable, and gentle. What a big job?!" God didn't create us to be Adam's servant. However, he did create us to be something that completed Adam, that he wanted most for him.
Now with that being said, I do believe women can still be leaders. One of the biggest arguements today is women's rights. I truly believe that God gave man certain characteristics, and woman other characteristics so that each may lead differently. For example, a man cannot lead a group of women in the same way a woman could. She can be a mentor to others like her; I think that women were also created specifically to lead in the area of children. Not saying that men could not be leaders in roles where children and other women are involved, however I think that part of the gift God gave to us is to be compassionate.
Intimacy
Many times, especially in our society today, we as single men and women feel the need to find intimacy and friendship in our counterparts. Which in and of itself, is completely good...we were created for one another, for goodness sakes! Nevertheless, we have to take caution due to the single part. We need to grasp that God created us, for each other. When it all boils down, Adam was not given Eve for the sake of friendship; or to have someone to tell his problems too when need be and then go back on his merry way. No! Eve was created because God wanted Adam to have an intimate relationship with another like him. One that would help him rule over the creations of God.
All of this being said, should we run and hide from the opposite sex? No. God wants us to learn from each other and interact. But there is a line that cannot be crossed in that interaction...this line blurs things and makes it confusing for all involved.
Longings and the Line
Due to the way we were created, we have longings for the opposite sex. We want the intimacy, of the first couple. These longings as single individuals are what drive us in finding that person with whom we want to marry. But un-identified we sometimes cross the line of harmless friendship, into desired relationship, while maintaining the "friend" title. We naturally look to the other to complete that longing...the phrase "drawn to that person", expresses a little bit of what I'm saying. Our longing as single people is to find intimacy. I find myself looking back at past relationships with the opposite sex and asking "What did I want from that relationship? Why did I originally enter into it?" And every single time I have an answer that leads me to desiring intimacy; desiring a spiritual leader and a protector; desiring someone to share my joy and sorrow with. Mark Driscoll states that through the love of his wife, he can tangeably see the love of God.
Now if I know my own self, and how I was created, and my longings for intimacy, how then should I proceed in my relations with the men I am around. Once you realize these things you cannot simply turn a deaf ear to them. Some of the steps I take to protect me as a single individual and my single brothers around me is to:
I'm reading a book right now called 12 Extraordinary Women (of the Bible). The first chapter is about the first woman on earth: Eve. Her story is very intriguing to me, because she paved the way for who we are supposed to be as women. Through her God gives us insight into our identity as females. In Genesis 2, God created woman. Why? He created animals to be with man, but "still there was no helper just right for him" (Ch 2, vs 20). So God created Adam's counterpart. What's interesting about Eve is that she was God's only creation made from another creation. Genesis explains that Adam, the animals, and creation itself, were created out of things like: nothing at all, and out of the creation which was before it (i.e. dust). But Eve, got something different, something special: Adam's own rib.
Matthew Henry wrote, "The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved." I love that illustration, because of the symbolism of Eve's creation. Women were created to be a helper. Many look at the word "helper" and think, "why can't Eve be the one in focus here, and have her own help?" Instead we should think, "the HELPER! God created me with specific desires and emotions and even physiologically different, to be compassionate, hospitable, and gentle. What a big job?!" God didn't create us to be Adam's servant. However, he did create us to be something that completed Adam, that he wanted most for him.
Now with that being said, I do believe women can still be leaders. One of the biggest arguements today is women's rights. I truly believe that God gave man certain characteristics, and woman other characteristics so that each may lead differently. For example, a man cannot lead a group of women in the same way a woman could. She can be a mentor to others like her; I think that women were also created specifically to lead in the area of children. Not saying that men could not be leaders in roles where children and other women are involved, however I think that part of the gift God gave to us is to be compassionate.
Intimacy
Many times, especially in our society today, we as single men and women feel the need to find intimacy and friendship in our counterparts. Which in and of itself, is completely good...we were created for one another, for goodness sakes! Nevertheless, we have to take caution due to the single part. We need to grasp that God created us, for each other. When it all boils down, Adam was not given Eve for the sake of friendship; or to have someone to tell his problems too when need be and then go back on his merry way. No! Eve was created because God wanted Adam to have an intimate relationship with another like him. One that would help him rule over the creations of God.
All of this being said, should we run and hide from the opposite sex? No. God wants us to learn from each other and interact. But there is a line that cannot be crossed in that interaction...this line blurs things and makes it confusing for all involved.
Longings and the Line
Due to the way we were created, we have longings for the opposite sex. We want the intimacy, of the first couple. These longings as single individuals are what drive us in finding that person with whom we want to marry. But un-identified we sometimes cross the line of harmless friendship, into desired relationship, while maintaining the "friend" title. We naturally look to the other to complete that longing...the phrase "drawn to that person", expresses a little bit of what I'm saying. Our longing as single people is to find intimacy. I find myself looking back at past relationships with the opposite sex and asking "What did I want from that relationship? Why did I originally enter into it?" And every single time I have an answer that leads me to desiring intimacy; desiring a spiritual leader and a protector; desiring someone to share my joy and sorrow with. Mark Driscoll states that through the love of his wife, he can tangeably see the love of God.
Now if I know my own self, and how I was created, and my longings for intimacy, how then should I proceed in my relations with the men I am around. Once you realize these things you cannot simply turn a deaf ear to them. Some of the steps I take to protect me as a single individual and my single brothers around me is to:
- Avoid the "alone time". That means being alone in the car, at your apartment, or even simply a long phone conversation. Don't do it. In the long run confusion will ensue, because we do have longings that are unfulfilled.
- Do NOT share all of your deep personal fears and desires, problems and so on. For us girls, this is where the emotional attachment starts coming into play.
- Shy away from being the helpmate of a man you are not in a relationship with. Do not go do his dishes, clean for him, run errands. It's not your job...these things are an excellent way to show love and to serve the man you are committed to.
Ms. Single Meet Mr. In A Relationship
This is the biggest gray area of them all. We all have those friends who are in a relationship while we are still single. For my own life, I would say take caution! If a guy is in a relationship and is still calling you or asking you for advice, it's not healthy. The same goes for a female in the situation. The single and the taken should not be hanging out unless both partners in the relationship situation are present. I can't think of an instance where this would not cause jealousy, or questioning, in the other party. Girls: if he's in a relationship, a) don't cause him to stumble...we want faithful Christian men! b) do not do things that his helpmate should be doing. c) don't cause the other girl to doubt herself or her relationship. I can't exactly speak from a guys perspective but I know my desires and I can say that if I'm in a relationship I want to share ME with HIM...not you. And I know the guy I'm with would appreciate that too!
Proverbs 31:10 "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies."
Ladies, who doesn't want to be seen as more precious than rubies? In our singleness we have to be constantly refining our lives and holding on to the One who first loved us. In order to be virtuous and capable we have to work at it. We have to be women the way He intended us to be.
We are daughters of a king...why don't we start acting like it?
Saturday, July 31, 2010
"Be Seated in Heavenly Places"
Lately I've been reading alot about how to love better. Whether that is to love the church, or to realize that I am Christ's beloved, or how to have a heart for God's children. God has placed me quite obviously, in a season of compassion. I always think I have a pretty good grasp on what it means to love others, and that our greatest call is to love, until God brings me into a new season of growth like this one. And then I humbly realize, "oh wait, maybe the God who created universes has more to say to me about this..." Each time I walk away in awe and a changed.
I've been simultaneously reading the books: Romans and 1 Corinthians. I think hands down these two books are some of my favorites. In Romans, Paul talks about the importance of the gospel and just what the impact of it is. And then in 1 Corinthians, Paul writes to the church in Corinth about issues with in the church. They seem to be about two completely separate topics, however I think without understanding the importance of the Gospel as talked about in Romans, we will never be able to avoid, or resolve the issues of the church in 1 Cor. Without the ultimate lover, we cannot begin to try to love others how He does. By coming into that great intimacy with Him, we can then begin to go out and love others like He asks us.
It's rarely going to be easy to love like Jesus. Our tendancies are usually to avoid those who annoy us; to ignore those who irritate us; and to turn up our noses at those who simply "get under our skin". But I have faith that we can do it...once we stop selfishly looking at the work of the cross, and start realizing that He died for them too.
I've been simultaneously reading the books: Romans and 1 Corinthians. I think hands down these two books are some of my favorites. In Romans, Paul talks about the importance of the gospel and just what the impact of it is. And then in 1 Corinthians, Paul writes to the church in Corinth about issues with in the church. They seem to be about two completely separate topics, however I think without understanding the importance of the Gospel as talked about in Romans, we will never be able to avoid, or resolve the issues of the church in 1 Cor. Without the ultimate lover, we cannot begin to try to love others how He does. By coming into that great intimacy with Him, we can then begin to go out and love others like He asks us.
It's rarely going to be easy to love like Jesus. Our tendancies are usually to avoid those who annoy us; to ignore those who irritate us; and to turn up our noses at those who simply "get under our skin". But I have faith that we can do it...once we stop selfishly looking at the work of the cross, and start realizing that He died for them too.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
White
"Now your grace is always with me, and I'll never be alone..."
"When Love came down,
He brought you,
And then you showed me how,
to love the world."
My Jesus came in front of me in the form of a 3 year old girl. She's pure, innocent, beautiful, and takes joy in absolutely everything. And everything inside of me wanted her with me every day, as she began to call me mama. I watched her and how she experienced life...how she lived and tried to see life through her eyes. The way she put on Jesus every morning without even knowing it. Something so beautiful and whole...how could I not want that close to me? How could I not want to let that go?
"When Love came down,
He brought you,
And then you showed me how,
to love the world."
My Jesus came in front of me in the form of a 3 year old girl. She's pure, innocent, beautiful, and takes joy in absolutely everything. And everything inside of me wanted her with me every day, as she began to call me mama. I watched her and how she experienced life...how she lived and tried to see life through her eyes. The way she put on Jesus every morning without even knowing it. Something so beautiful and whole...how could I not want that close to me? How could I not want to let that go?
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